Home

Advertisement

Customize
lokitoki
21 August 2007 @ 10:23 pm
okay, so, you're going to de-virginize this girl, if you hold it together. She wants you, holy shit just let this be your fucking fantasy, I sort of can't believe she just sort of walked right into your lap, started making out with you, and asked you to take her virginity.  I don't understand my luck, I simply wished for someone like her (smart, funny, cool, creative, a bit naive maybe I'm not sure yet, certainly youthful [she is a virgin after all], but altogether simply beautiful) to come into my life, and here she is.

Things to remember:

When you get her clothes off, don't go straight between her legs, focus on her entire body first, but be creative, don't be repetitive, but make sure you take note and focus on what she likes.  She's very sensitive to your touch, use that to your advantage.  Don't be shy, she seems ready.

What to do about these other women?  You'll have to make this transition as abruptly and completely as possible.  Try to forget home even exists, it is no longer your home.  Your old life will cease to exist, perhaps forever.  Once again, you'll never be able to come back to this life, just as you never came back to the last one you left.  I guess you can't properly continue your fling with M, it would be too dishonorable, the kind of thing the old you would've done.  But what to tell her?  The truth?  Would that be wise?  Interesting question...
 
 
lokitoki
15 July 2007 @ 11:24 pm
All my problems in recent years, it seems, have been generated by my lack of will to combat the seemingly insurmountable force of my insistent desires. But this is not the whole of the problem. Much of the problem is caused by the fact that those desires that indicate and motivate my occasional moral vilification are not innocent desires in the least. They are grotesquely entangled in a web of revenge for pain I incurred from having given my own sense of honor to Victoria, I believe, among other things. Maybe that last part was an exaggeration, but at any rate, what I'm doing when I do things like sleep with Elizabeth or invite Rosa to spend the night is essentially taking revenge against everyone I've ever loved, that is, Victoria, Esme, and Jane, for taking away, or at least damaging, my sense of power. Maybe it's related to the sentiment that Ivette communicated to me of helplessness, or having part of oneself removed. I don't feel so much that way as I do undermined in a way, like they've discredited me or what I am. I feel like the people they are and the effect they have on me make me insignificant, and I want to take my power or my sense of self worth back from them. I'd always felt when I fell in love with a person that if I became more like them I'd be improving myself, which by itself isn't necessarily a malignant notion, but it was coupled with a feeling that they had something I didn't, and I wanted it from them, so I could become as good as them, so I would be worthy to receive the love that I bore them. So I've always essentially been jealous of the people I've been with in the sense that they've had a certain power over me--a power over my very self esteem, basically. I had a thought today, a horrid, desperately egotistical thought, that I desired nothing more than to break contact with Jane, tell her that I just needed to focus on school and that we'd be together in the summer, and then fall in love, and be loved in return, with some wonderful person that I could really connect with, but under the condition that it was just til the summer 'cause I still love Jane, and then go back to Albuquerque and tell her that I had fallen in love, just for what that would do to her.

I have a feeling there is a term or phrase that characterizes this sentiment, but I don't know.

What is it, though? What is this power they have over me? I think it might be the same power all women have over all men, and that is the power of their sex. Women are the more sensual, physically beautiful, overtly desirable gender. They are the child-bearers, and as such must be more sought after and more selective in their mating habits as they will be the predominant, if not the sole, bearers of the child-rearing responsibility. Thus women are endowed with a natural power advantage over men in much of the world of vertebrates. Examples of female dominance based on this principle are everywhere. It is a curse of masculinity that we must forever be bound to our desire for women, and tortured with it every time we look up, not to mention have it employed to our detriment by the very objects of our irrepressible desires. I think very much misogyny and patriarchal suppression of women has psychological roots in male resentment of this agonizing condition, for it seems that women's biologically intended place in the scheme of human societal constructs is at the top, and I think men have been working to reverse this, or at least trying in the ways they can. But it seems that throughout the history of our male dominated world, which is all modern man has the capacity to remember, there have been great and influential men, men who have been very respected and looked up to and remembered in the world of men for doing things like winning wars or building empires, and all the while there have been women behind these great men. Not supporting them, but rather laughing at them for their masculine niaiserie and commenting inwardly on how much better a place the world would be if it went back to the natural order of matriarchy.

I might as well plainly connect all the implications and say that I share in this resentment, and my personal battle with it is causing me problems. In writing this I am taking steps to let it go. I will continue my pursuit of personal amelioration and inner peace.
 
 
Current Mood: resolute
Current Music: silence
 
 
 
 

Advertisement

Customize